Oh my god I was such a little bitch in my last journal entry. Yeah I like to wollow in self pity its actually kind of fun. So I've been having trouble keeping friends lately. I feel like this burden on everyone, I really can't just wait until I leave. And then all the friends I lost won't matter so much because I will never be back and in time I will never think of them and that I lost touch or just don't talk to them. Or maybe I betrayed them in some sort of way, and to think all this time I thought I was such a good friend or person or both that was worthy of good friends and people in my life. I just can't keep friends. I would list them all but I don't want to mention any names. So then when even at your darkest times your friends leave you and you figure out that yeah you wanted to help people but now your getting sent to the part of the country that is basically the apocolypse. How do you deal with that. I seriously don't get my life in that fact that when its bad its really bad and all at once so that even the light at the end of the tunnel is still just as bad as the tunnel your in. See heres the situation, I have no money, no friends, no ambition, no job, no family, and the only thing to look forward to was americorp. Heres the reasons I will make new friends, start a new life, save money, get ambition back and I will be working so really the only thing I will be missing is the fam which i've never had that so it doesn't even bother me anymore. But now instead of going to the awesome pimp tastic eastcoast in maryland and new york and shit, i'm going south to what, hurricanes, death, distruction, famine, poverty, looting, and water. To those readers that say what a dumbass you signed up for that you should know what your getting into, I do know and I'm not complaining and I still can't wait to go, its just a much worse place and worse thing happening to our country then you know hey poverty I can help. How can I possibly help, I will be a little fish in seriously big water. Well, more water then the south would like. I mean it will be cool as hell, just not what I expected is all, and seriously any person would be like hmmm new york or flood. I'll take the new york, its just going to be way more caos and distruction right away. Its all going to be thrown at me. I wish i was already in and trained and I knew how to deal with crying strangers and people looking for lost family members, and disasters, and fires, and first aid. Just you know the basics. Oh well I guess I'm not complaining because its my only way out of this mess.