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Is anybody out there? [01 Oct 2011|09:03pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Its been like 6 years since my last entry. I went to AmeriCorps and did all the things that I said I was going to do. I ended up going to school for family and now I actually have one of my own. I am on my last year of college. I still want attention from my wife (that's right, actually got married) and she does indeed give me lots and lots of attention. I read this and what I wanted in a person and I have that and so much more. I feel stupid for all of my brooding for crappy girls. You missed KJ completely and thats probably for the best; because we didn't know just how crazy I could get.... which is as I suspected, fucking outrageous! Hopefully I will go to grad school. And I think that I am much less feeling sorry for myself. Although my LJ was meant to help me get through all of the abusive relationships I was in at the time. I couldn't see they were abusive but they certainly were. If megan or danielle should ever

Penny for your thoughts

Safe Place... [18 Nov 2006|06:48pm]
I don't ever write/type in here anymore. I don't know why but every time I feel desperate and I really need to write. LJ just keeps coming up. It's safe now, nobody really reads it. It's just mine all mine. Funny how I wrote in here once to tell lynn how I felt without having to tell her. To see her when whatever I said hit her ears. Now I write in here when I have nothing else to say to anybody. When I can't find words to say today I'm happy, or today I'm sad. I write in here when I don't want anybody in the world to know my terrible secret. I'm human and worse I know it and feel it. I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel lonely, and I feel like my decisions suck ass sometimes. I don't know whats wrong with me right now, in this moment, but there is something. I'm a terrible person and kelly reminds me all the time at what I did to her. But she doesn't even know half of what I actually did to her. And now there's megan. She comes up to me and says I'm being poopy. Poopy...Hmmmm? I guess that civilized. But I don't know if she ever actually stopped to think that I gave up everything in my life for her. I didn't have much but I turned everything upside down. I could be at home getting my shit back from kelly and fixing the money mess. I could be where MY friends are and I could be doing whatever the fuck I want to do. But I'm not mad about the sacrafice I'm mad because she doesn't get it. I don't have anybody here. I am completely alone. I have no team I said goodbye to them. I have no friends, no family, nothing. I have her and she has her team. So half the time I don't exist. The other half of the time I just can't understand their inside jokes. I am completely alone right now. It's hard but I've been through harder, and I will be through harder than that. So it just doesn't fuckn matter.
1 Cent| Penny for your thoughts

My life between sad and awakening [06 Aug 2006|08:19pm]
[ mood | awake ]

I've been in Americorps *NCCC for about 6months now. I left college to pursuit something I thought would be great. I think I lost a lot of friends from Wisconsin because I never kept in contact with them. No contact from Kenosha to Milwaukee. No contact from Milwaukee to Oshkosh, and no contact from Oshkosh to Maryland, St Bernard Perish, Waveland MS, Baltimore, Catskills NY, and back to New Orleans. For that I am eternally sorry. To all of you I let slip away I am sorry. To you that loved me and I did not love back with everything I had. To those who I was lazy around, who I didn't try for. I love Americorps, more than anything I have ever known. I am the wind I move I change, I am brutal and I am a cool breeze. I effect you indefinately and then I change again. I shift and I am never constant. This is who I am. I am a force for a quick second and then nothing but a faint memory between reality and dreams. I do not know why I am this person but I came into your life and left you wondering where I went, I am still here and I still think of you all often. I just can not be ever present in lives that do not move at a pace of here one second gone the next. I can still remember all of those who I said I love you to. I can still remember all of those who wanted me to be someone that I simply can not be. Traveling and helping are the things that I was made to do. I love to live and I try and live life to it's fullest. I take every opportunity to jump a fence, to scrape my knee, to talk to a whole other color person, to seize the day, the hour, the minute, the second. If I can not be this person than I am not the wind that you wanted so badly in your life. I am sorry.

3 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

I kinna like that... [29 Nov 2005|01:21pm]
[ mood | high ]

you are MARINA...dark and brooding, your sexiness
lies in your intelligence and wit. the object
of your affection wont be able to resist your
charms for long!

Which Character from The L Word are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

2 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

Okay so LJ has changed a little since last time... [05 Nov 2005|11:46pm]
So I guess I don't have much to say, I would really like to vent but I don't want to sit here and type it all. I've been high for the past month 2 months I don't remember. Kelly doesn't like that too much. And I really don't understand why. But there are actually a lot of people out there that disagree with pot. Too bad I'm not one of them. I'll never be one of THOSE people. I got a message from aja today. It made me realize how much I miss her. Or actually it made me feel what its like to be wanted again. Wanted for anything. I mostly hate that I'm not wanted by my own gf. It irritates me how much I have to fight just to get a kiss out of her, and how much she gets from me with absolutley no bitching. Why do I have to beg. I'm not one to beg. God, I felt so much better when it didn't matter if I got a kiss from my gf because I had plenty of ppl willing to give me a kiss besides her. Now I have to be all faithful. I miss those days with aja. Kelly will think that I think aja is the best that there is none better and that I want to be with aja so why am I wasting my time with her. Well I want to be with Kelly she just doesn't seem to want to be with me. And I bring up aja merely for the fact of a visual. See how aja acts be more like that.

I got a little drunk yesterday, and all I could think about was when is my girl, my it, my everything going to get home and I hope she brings josh cause I miss him. And she came home and I was all smiley but that turned to shit. And josh did come over but so did this other boy and instead of being normal old Kelly she had to entertain. And i guess to her entertaining means making fun of me. So instead of getting a hello a kiss a hey i missed you I got nothing. I know how that feels, I felt it before. But that usually why in my past relationships I could care less if they were home or not. Because I have mastered the art of not CARING. Yeah so then Kelly comes in the picture and convinces me thats wrong and thats not normal and now I care about her. That sucks because now I have all these high hopes for her and of course she doesn't meet those expectations, (nobody can really). But in the greater scheme of things aja is meeting those requirments. Somebody I barely even talk to. I bet you if I said aja all I want to do when I get near your is slowly take all your clothes off, then caress and kiss each and every part of your body she wouldn't care. Why is it okay for Kelly to touch and talk to me when it comes to sex, but when it comes to her, its practically non existent. Its perfectly normal to want to touch your own gf. I just wanted it to be equal please me please you, and its maybe 15 to 85 instead of 50 50. That sucks really bad. Am I a bad lover. Do I something wrong. Why won't she let me touch her. I fixed that problem though I don't try to touch so now I can just blame it on me not trying. But she still doesn't insist on me touching her...EVER! and I'm up for anything. I'll eat out and be kinky, and use toys and touch her wherever she wants however she wants whenever she wants. SO WHY DOESN'T SHE TAKE ADVANTAGE.

Well for todays kissing problem, I'm just not going to give her a kiss at ALL. I'm sick of having to beg while she can just take whatever she wants. This relationship is so uneven it's not ever funny.

A sorta Nightmare,

Penny for your thoughts

Hey... [17 Oct 2005|04:52pm]
[ mood | high ]

So did you want me too change well I changed for good, I wanted to let you know you always get your way... I wanted to say don't shiver.

I don't know I'm high and thats what I typed. So I work at target now, and it's really hard not to say shit like "thank-you for shopping your kenosha walmart" or stupid shit like that. So I have to be like "are you paying with your target credit card" "would you like to open an account and get 10% off your purchase today" BLAH!!!! Oh well its a job right. Nothing will compare to either the encredibly bad time I'll have or the encredible wonderful time I can have in like 4 months. All I want to do is to help, and I will finally get my chance. I'm kick'n the dust of this old town off my shoes. Then I'm gonna do something. Something small or great. It doesn't matter, just something somewhere else. And then maybe I'll finally realize that everything is the same no matter where you go or what you see. Then I won't want to run so much. I just hope something doesn't happen, I mean knock on wood, but I want to go so bad. Whatever.


Penny for your thoughts

Hold My Own... [23 Sep 2005|11:45pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Oh my god I was such a little bitch in my last journal entry. Yeah I like to wollow in self pity its actually kind of fun. So I've been having trouble keeping friends lately. I feel like this burden on everyone, I really can't just wait until I leave. And then all the friends I lost won't matter so much because I will never be back and in time I will never think of them and that I lost touch or just don't talk to them. Or maybe I betrayed them in some sort of way, and to think all this time I thought I was such a good friend or person or both that was worthy of good friends and people in my life. I just can't keep friends. I would list them all but I don't want to mention any names. So then when even at your darkest times your friends leave you and you figure out that yeah you wanted to help people but now your getting sent to the part of the country that is basically the apocolypse. How do you deal with that. I seriously don't get my life in that fact that when its bad its really bad and all at once so that even the light at the end of the tunnel is still just as bad as the tunnel your in. See heres the situation, I have no money, no friends, no ambition, no job, no family, and the only thing to look forward to was americorp. Heres the reasons I will make new friends, start a new life, save money, get ambition back and I will be working so really the only thing I will be missing is the fam which i've never had that so it doesn't even bother me anymore. But now instead of going to the awesome pimp tastic eastcoast in maryland and new york and shit, i'm going south to what, hurricanes, death, distruction, famine, poverty, looting, and water. To those readers that say what a dumbass you signed up for that you should know what your getting into, I do know and I'm not complaining and I still can't wait to go, its just a much worse place and worse thing happening to our country then you know hey poverty I can help. How can I possibly help, I will be a little fish in seriously big water. Well, more water then the south would like. I mean it will be cool as hell, just not what I expected is all, and seriously any person would be like hmmm new york or flood. I'll take the new york, its just going to be way more caos and distruction right away. Its all going to be thrown at me. I wish i was already in and trained and I knew how to deal with crying strangers and people looking for lost family members, and disasters, and fires, and first aid. Just you know the basics. Oh well I guess I'm not complaining because its my only way out of this mess.

Penny for your thoughts

every time... [14 Sep 2005|01:17am]
[ mood | morose ]

Every timee I get ahead not even ahead just close somewhat close to anything even remotely level to not being so far down all i can see is pitch black something absolutely increadibly bad happens. Something that costs me money or harm or pain or all something that causes me to have to work harder then what I was before just so I can try and break even again and then something incredibly bad happens all over again and everything I did to get to this point is swept away and then some. I'm so drained, I know I get it I have nothing nothing nothing why does some force try and take away nothing. Every little bit that I have just get taken. This past two weeks have been hell. More then hell they have been something more aweful and painful then hell. I have been negative money in 2 accounts which weren't my fault, I lost my job, I got most of my finacial aid taken away. I had to impose on really good friends for a place to live, I have to pay and pay and pay on debts upon debts upone debts and I can never ever catch up. I owe so many people so much money and I just can't get ahead. My phone got washed... All my numbers are gone, I have to buy yet another phone because its gone. Because of silly mistakes that could be prevented if only I would have known that the entire world is out to get me. And everyone says nope I'm just pessimistic. Please take Americorp back... i have been plagued with nothing by badness every since I heard i was going. Nothing but bad after bad after bad and I'm just trying to stay afloat long enough so that I can just get there to do what help other people? I can't even help myself how will I help other people. I just don't know what to do anymore, please somebody help me cause I really just don't know what to do. I can't possibly cry every night anymore because nothing ever gets better. I am seriously begging somebody will my life ever get better. If not i want to know so I'll stop hoping for some miracle to happen that I won't have to live another 19 years of complete shit. Thats all just zero thats all i want nothing positive just zero. I'm soo tired of being negative.

A Sorta Nightmare


Penny for your thoughts

this is what i think...and i am drunk [10 Sep 2005|06:56pm]
So i've been drinking with dre and I'm drunk I know i'm drunk and kelly will say well its because your drunk but what ever. I talked about nothing but her today bringing her up in every convo and every point i can bring her up in and when she finally got home from work she treated me the same way lynn treated me. Ahhh your nothing special your here like always im just gonna get some food. Can i please get some fucking attention from at least one gf i mean really why am i nothing special. I want a kiss and I get " well im not going to make out with you in front of dre" fuck that if you want to kiss me fucking kiss me god. Then what do I do completely ignore her which is probally not the best approach but fuck she gives more attention to flipp then to me and thats just crap. I really love this girl like i think about her all the time and include her in everything. I didn't include lynn in a whole hell of a lot especially rugby. she never even tries with me and that pisses me off. kiss me like you mean for once in your life please. I am in this relationship and I do everything I can to make it good and it just seems like kelly doesn't even try. I don't want to be the whore who introduces you to all your friends and you know what yess i really do feel that way so don't fucking ask me. I feel like I give a 110% and you give mabey 10 and I try and all you do is say oh I love you do you know that I love you. yeah i know please fucking show me for once. I feel like an ass I give her so much more then she gives me and no I don't want to break up I never did I just want you to try. To look at least the slightest bit intersted. I get nothing I even cooked for you and I didn't even get a simple thankyou and yes I changed I was completely relaxed around dre and then kelly got home and I was pissed. and don't think to fix it with well we should just breakup if you feel that way cause if thats your only solution to this problem then I guess your living with a single person then... fuck it i have to go

Penny for your thoughts

school is cool! Thoughts on that [07 Sep 2005|02:39am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

school starts tomorrow or today for you technical folks. Thats scary. I feel very unprepaired, very gone with the wind, very up in the clouds. I think that I'm at a point in my life where I really should have all my shit together and yet somehow I feel very disconnected and shifty. I live off campus this year which was a last minute decision on my part. I got an appeal from oshkosh reslife I seriously must be like the ONLY person :). Yep I live 15 minutes away on a putsy walk which means I'm far enough to not hear people going to parties or screaming or playing or being typical college kids which makes me sad and happy all at the same time. I'm invading dre's and kelly's space and they are very much like "this is your space" and yeah they had it all planned out and I was kind of this last minute "hey you have no place to live. Okay I guess you can live here." Which makes me feel like since living with lynn I haven't improved my situation at all. Actually finacially I have hit a downhill slope of nothing but negatives. Money for food is often not an option and it costs 4.34 for a dozen eggs 2 loaves of bread and a half gallon of milk which if that is your meal for an entire day for 2 people lasts about 3 to 4 days.

This last week has been nothing but fucking hell. I'm sooo sick I have been all week. I get nothing but shit from my job and I have no money to show for everything. So to make matters harder and worse in true Jory fashion I quit my job with no other job lined up. I know I know you the reader is prolly thinking omg Jory your a such a complete idiot and maybe thats the case but for the first time in 3 months I actually feel something that I haven't felt in a long time. Thats happiness. Besides not only my us bank account being negative again for the second in one summer my associated bank account was also negative and my credit card is over it limit by 57 dollars. I'm in pretty poor shape and it takes everything in me not to just give up and go home. So why so happy. Doesn't that seem backwards quit your job and have absolutely no income at all when your already struggling. Well money or the lack there of I can certainly get used to but being treated like shit and a piece of meat that constantly gets thrown to the dogs I can not tolerate for very long. I feel that part of me is happy because I somewhat screwed Kathy but she did it to herself. In fact all the managers at UB&M are pretty should I say fucked up. They shouldn't be dealing with people who are "on a lower level" then them because power goes to their head and they have no concept of communication.

All things in the Kelly department are fairly well. We aren't perfect by any means but we are plugging along. We are still what most people would like to call a healthy relationship. Shes there for me when I need despite her somewhat untactful approach to certain situations, she trys very hard. We have our rough times when I don't understand why she is so concerned or jealous with her ex Jeri. And its really just Jeri I don't have a problem with anyone else. I think its because Jeri and I a extrememly similar except for the teeny tiny fact that Jeri looks a hell of a lot better than I do. Shes skinny and cute and blah blah blue eyes butchy girl with a nice ass car and well I am this do gooder with no money and no hope for any bright future except that I want to help make something, anything better. I have nothing to offer and I had nothing to offer lynn either. I try so excredibly hard to make Kelly happy with me and she says sure I love you but sometimes we say the simplest thing like "hey babe, you should've done it this way" and it sends one of us straight off the sorry bridge with the stupidest reply of *snear*"sorry, I'll do it your way" *god under breath*. Our relationship has changed a lot and I am suprisingly in this relationship too. I never thought I would be...

I thought I wouldn't want to be tied down, that I would want to make out with every girl I possibly good that I would be a swinging single dyke out on the prawl for fresh pussy. So am I just a glutton for relationships because not very long after lynn and I broke I was very much into this relationship too. I talk about how I can't understand how Kelly is so interested in Jeri but I am still very interested in Lynn. Like I mean it doesn't bother me that she has what she has going on and I'm not jealous by any means but sometimes I just want to see whats shes doing. I wouldn't be so interested if she would just call me and tell me. I never wanted to screw her over cause I always wanted to be her freind. I just thought that my situation is different because I always knew that I was better suited to be lynns friend and not her girlfriend because I wasn't at the same level. Jeri and Kelly were on again off again lovers for 2 years. They were friends for a lil while and Jeri was completely in love with Kelly until she met me and then Jeri got a new gf and basically told Kelly I can't be your friend anymore amber will get mad. Whats that about. I don't miss the attention from lynn I hardly got any anyways we were always in that comfort level of your my gf I'm yours lets not confuse things there was no overwhelming passion or desire and when there was it certainly wasn't coming from lynn. In fact I'm pretty positive that I don't ever get showered with a ton of attention from partners at all. I always feel like I'm walking this edge of if I screw up theyre going to break up with me so I better try my hardest to be the best god damn girlfriend ever which gets me in trouble because then I'm quoted as being completely in love and in it forever. Maybe that is the case. I actually want to come back thats a plus. Well not back just need to pick up a few things, computer, playstation, clothes, books, girl.

Its 3 in the morning I will write more some other day.

A sorta Fairytale


2 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

it feels like burning [27 Aug 2005|09:47pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

so imat danielles house and shes getting shit for drinking slow.I'm not drinking shhhhhhhhhh! I'm just updating. Why were you laughing what was that about. I guess it doesn't matter much though. this is my update almost time for school woooo hooooooo. Kelly I love you DanielleI love you too

1 Cent| Penny for your thoughts

Yes Yes [06 Jul 2005|04:12pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

So its been a really long time since I've been able to find a computer and type on my journal. Summer has been good nothing too bad has happened. I really don't have to much to say or rather i have so much to say and very little ambition to say it eh type it. I've been keeping myself busy this summer, using up more hours of the day which is a big change from last summer. I actually wake up before noon everyday and go straight through til uhhh 1ish.

The summer started off good, I smoke a lot of pot and I finally got kelly to partake in a few smokes with me. we'll shroom by the end of the summer. I didn't miss pride and I think I'm going to the huge softball thing at the end of july. (forgot what its called even though I should know).

I thought I was being truly honest about my feelings but I think I may have mistaken or been mistook. What ever I don't want to be the "hook up" I want to be good enough to be an actual friend. I guess I should know how that feels. What ever no more helping "friends" out with any of their needs. I miss megan like hella crazy and I surely hope she comes back next year. I miss all my friends but from what I know most will be returning sept jes I'll miss ya babe. Things have changed which is good I would be worried if they didn't. Then my life will have come to a stop. It did for about 3 years when most of my progress and growing halted. I'm getting back to basics though. Eh I'll just keep trucking along making the most out of everything. I miss you guys, although I love oshkosh in the summer. No college kids, just us the people who have no where better to go. Its good I can't complain. Gotta go

Much Love


2 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

Happy Holiday... [30 May 2005|03:50pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I would type a whole lot more entries if every single time I typed one it didn't get deleted some way or another. Cause I just had a long ass entry and it got erased. Thats shitty. I don't want to type it all over again soo I'll just say any holiday that will let me have an extra day off work is alright by me. I went and saw my dad this weekend for more then 2 min. And I finally realize that some of my moms opinions of him are incorrect and even though he didn't give me the money he promised me it was a good visit. I don't have that kind of money so I don't expect him to have it either. And I finally see that I am a lot like my dad. Scary you say, yeah well the only really scary thing is, is I finally know where I get my relationship skills from. And lemme just tell you my skills are bad. I'm just like my dad and thats scary because my whole life I was trying to not be my mom and I never saw the dad thing coming. But hes a good people person and a good person when it comes to everything but relationships and kids. And I am nothing like my parents when it comes to kids situation. And I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol like they are so I have a few things going in my direction. I just have his personality, with you all the way until I don't want to be with you anymore and then leave. And not wanting to be with you even suprises us we just don't know its coming it just happens. That sucks because that makes me very afraid of relationships like terrified. I don't want to get all serious and be like oh yeah I guess I don't want to be with you anymore. I guess it was just fun while it lasted. But I know I don't want my future planned out for me and I don't even want to think about the future. I don't want to think about what happens when I go back to school, when I work at 8 in the morning, when I leave for americorp, or anything like that. I want to think about what to eat this day am I sleeping over, are we going to pride, whats up with 4th of july. Thats it. Nothing more then that. I don't care about who I'm going to be with in the next 5 months. I don't need to be with anyone. I choose to be with who ever I choose to be with. I just figure I'll write this down because It helps me bring it to my own attention. Helps me put alls these fragmented sentences into one complete thought about what I want and what I'm looking for. A life long friend, but not a life long girlfriend. A girlfriend for now, but I'm only on number 2 this is not it for me. Not at all. I need to realize before I get into trouble again. Nothing too serious even though I realize that something has to be a little serious as in serious feelings but not life long feelings. Yes thats it. Seriously feeling the way I feel today but knowing that eventually those feelings will fade and what I would like would be friend out of those faded because I love who I love but I love everyone differently and I think I confuse love with lust but then I don't get it because if I think I would seriously be crushed if they got hurt then thats love but not love like I want to be with you forever love like I would be hurt if I knew you were hurting. I don't think that makes sense. Oh well, I'm all good right now and thats all I can hope for. And nobody take this journal entry personal it is not meant for anyone or anything its just my thoughts and If I here one thing about this stupid entry I will never right under this name again. CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!

1 Cent| Penny for your thoughts

Just a bit of silliness really... [22 May 2005|09:11pm]
Something Corporate - Konstantine

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you and my big dreams
And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
no, cuz you let me go
I didn't think so
and you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of me
And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live
I had dreams that I would learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
But I don't think I care
and if I hurt you then I'm sorry
please don't think that this is easy
And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live
Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
What I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no
This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
and why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant
you thought this song meant
And if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No
This is to a girl who got into my head
with all these pretty things she did
Hey Baby, You know that you keep me up in bed
It's to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things I did
Hey Maybe Baby, You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
Spin Around me like a Dream
We played out on this movie screen
And i said, did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
I miss you
And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
I know you miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said, does anyboy need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live
...My Konstantine
2 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

I don't get things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot... [17 May 2005|05:35pm]
[ mood | Despicable ]

Four Letter Word

I've made many mistakes in my life,
thats why they call it all a game.
I rolled the dice and let them bounce.
They just kept on rolling, out of control.

I said things I shouldn't have said
and everyone thinks its hate, hate turns
to a four letter word I can think of
a word that I wanted to mean so much.

That four letter word meant so little.
It meant love me, love me back, take care of me
be my family, support me, support me
and support me you did.

I take it all back. Every memory, every promise
Every hope for the future. Forget about it.
I love you. I can't take those words back.
Marry me. I can't love you the way you meant it.

I dare you. Look me in the eyes and say I was lying.
So you did it. Maybe I was lying. I didn't know.
I wanted to same thing as you. I should have told you,
told you I changed. Saying it would have been to hard to hear.

I couldn't even let the words flutter in my head.
They cut me directly in the core of my brain.
I only remember the good things. Your infectious.
laugh at me. Be mad at me. Make me cry.

I never meant to hurt you. Not meaning doesn't mean I didn't do it.
do you believe any of my words not?
I don't suppose you should.
I admit it, I admit me, They were lies.

Lies I wanted to be the truth.
In two months we would be married.
Isn't that what I promised you? Marriage?
That was a lie, but when I said it I wanted too.

I wanted love so badly, and there you were
offering it to me, with nothing to lose. Except you.
Did you think I was the one?
The one to hurt you, I guess.

I guess, I guess, I guess I feel bad,
I know I feel terrible, but this time
its not how I feel. Its how you feel.
Hurt, betrayed, shocked, offended, wounded, broken?

All my fault I know this now.
These are not lies. The best liars are...
the ones that covince you they will love you and only you,
Forever is such a short time for a liar.

I was pretty damn good, I hurt you so good
The cute girl with the ugliest heart.
I can't say , I ever learned how to
use that four letter word correctly.

"If I hurt you then I'm sorry please don't think this was easy."

1 Cent| Penny for your thoughts

OH HOW GAY AM I.... [16 May 2005|01:53pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Oh yes, you think I'm not going. Finally convinced Kelly to come to Milwaukee pride. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!! All MY friends will be there and whatever happened between Lynn and I, I still totally miss Rachel and shes coming back for pride and even if I just say Hi. I'm saying Hi. Lets see who will be the bigger person here cause I'm kind of not betting on Lynn. Last year at pride we actually had to run away from one of her ex's. Its kind of hard not to see one of your exs at pride though when you date so many people. But whatever happens I'll be there both days from start to finish, crashing in milwaukee getting drunk, having fun. All muah girls are gonna be there and I know I'll see lynn because I'm gonna be around greta and crystal cause they are my friends too. I'll have fun no matter what and I hope I don't ruin it for lynn because it sounds like she is looking and a mucho fun weekend as well. So Hint to her don't let me ruin it because I am not going to make her mad, I'm going cause I miss my friends and if shes going to be sour the whole time she knows she will ruin the whole seeing my friends expierence. Oh well, in other news I finally have my dorm all to myself. MMM yeah wild monkey sex all night long. Yeah I have sex now, blah its been a really long long long time and a very very very hard process to get through, but I enjoy it these days. I actually got pulled into the shower yesterday will all of my clothes on. I didn't expect that. I passed all my finals so I don't have to worry about school. And this whole breakup thing would be soo much easier if I didn't have an almost 23 year old ex that acts like shes 13. It wouldn't be me if I didn't say anything thanks for the box of stuff back. Whatever I wanted beary back anywho. I'm in a better place minus the total lack of money situation. Friday I'm paying the phone bill and the loan because its in Lynn's name and I would never screw her over like that despite the bitch I come off to be. If you read this please please please be civil for pride, I just want to have a good time and see my friends just the same as you do. Thats all I ask for I won't even talk to you. Just don't be an ass and run in the opposite direction. And I'm the childish one. Other than that I have to get back to work. Blah I hate working 8 hour days only to have to go home and clean my room. BLAH!!!!!!!!! JACKIE I MISS YOU GURL AND IF I DON'T SEE YOU ON PRIDE IMMA BE SOOOOO PISSED YOU BETTER GIVE ME A HUGE HUG. WHAT DAY ARE YOU GOING?????????

9 Cents| Penny for your thoughts

Hey moron! I want you... [11 May 2005|03:19pm]
Yeah soo it's final times these days and we all know just how much Jory likes to study. NONE! Yeah well I've been doing okay on my finals I guess I'll just have to wait and see if I'm on probation. In other news besides school, I'm going home this weekend. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. I miss my little baby zachery and my grandma a lot. I haven't really smoked pot in a long time sept a few hits here or there. I'm over being sick and nothing really too exciting is happening accept that I'm never in my dorm which rocks. All my friends (well not all) but most are going back to there home towns this week and I am going to seriously miss all of them. I wonder if I will see them again, even though I know I should because if I didn't that would be soo shitty. But I don't know where life will be taking me so I will never know who I will see and when I will see them. I'm really tired and excited at the same time. I'm super starving right now and I have no MONEY. Like none what so ever. I got a new job though and this entire summer i will be working 40 hours a week if not more. Imma be a busy girl and I have to wake up and be at work at 8 in the morning. GRRRR thats really early but at least I will have some money. Kelly and I are doing really good except she still gets worried about lynn. I guess I can see her point though I really didn't handle the situation good at all. But we have our fair share of ex stories. Its a little wierd to me to be dating somebody that lives in appleton though. Not to wierd just never would have saw that coming. But I'm tired and hungry so thats my life right now. Good bye
1 Cent| Penny for your thoughts

The difference between anger and pissed off... [02 May 2005|04:49pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I heard a song today and I had to write because I feel something. I don't know what it is and I don't know where it came from but I was listening and I needed to write. I love all those bits of you. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what I'm saying and when I'm crying I'm laughing and I'm pushing so hard on where the hurt came in and I'm forcing it out. And bitch and animal say you start the trip off with accusations not for you for me this time. I feel like that sums everything up. Just for the record there is no record thats the problem all we have are our love and our guts baby. There all over the rode. Somebody said it better, and did it harder and I can't say that these are my words but my words pushing. The hardest book I had to ever read was a book called push and Its funny because in my life thats all I do is push and push and push hard and push fast and push. Looking back on those old times I feel somewhat nostalgic and remembering the things that soothed my heart and filled my head and the people that made me smile under the christmas lights and the times I spent in and out of the car in and out of the house in and out of that life in and out of this school and that school in and out of friendships and relationships and homes or houses and cars and shoes and clothes and miles and miles gone forever changing and finding a lil piece of me that was left from days or weeks or months or years ago and trying to figure out whether that piece fits into the new me or if I need to just let it go. And all these pieces are crammed together with a little glue that I'm just trying to keep as much with me as I go. As soon as I change I always find a piece that just doesn't fit and I put it in my pocket til it gets full then I have to decide what to keep and what to throw away. The thing is, when I moved the first time I took only what I needed and I left the rest to gather dust. Now I have this dusty past from when I kicked up the smoke and drove away as fast as I could. Here theres nothing only what I could take when I kicked up the smoke again and I feel a bit as if I'm running away but I know that I'm not I'm just moving and changing and growing and never slowing down. so nobody's lying still the stories don't add up. 1 thing leads to another and with every step I take I have this choice and that choice I have fail or pass this rode or that rode this home or that home this friend that friend this partner that partner and I'm happy don't get me wrong I'm just thinking about all the places I've been and people say I've been to rome or puru or hawaii or ireland or new york or cali or texas or egypt or paris or where ever and I say I've been to this home and that home and this place and this place and I made this friends and those friends and I still talk to these people and those people and I touched there lives and they touched mine and I would rather form relationships with people then say I've been to so many places I can't even counts. I have so many people that I love I can't even count. I'm the richest person right now, and when asked would I rather have a million dollars or a million friends real friends, friends you don't have to talk to everyday, or see all the time but friends to say hey this is whats up I would pick a million friends. And when I made a million dollars from asking each friend for 1 dollar I would build a LGBTQ center for youth who get abandoned by their families for being gay and I would go to different cities and get hooked up with different people and I would start my shelter and bring kids in who's only fault was loving differently and I would give them a place to stay and feed them and get them jobs and they would make great people all because 1 person saw the total beauty in each and everyone of them and all they needed was a little courage and love. Don't you see thats all you gave me a home some food a little courage and a lot of love. Don't hate yourself for being a good person.

Penny for your thoughts

Weekend Recap... [02 May 2005|12:17am]
[ mood | cold ]

Hey all, Well I've been really really not at home at all. Out with Kelly a lot. Shes really really worried about Lynn and she thinks that Lynn will be a bump in our relationship. I'm just trying to take it slow, when asked do you think you can spend the rest of your life with me I said NO! That was a good answer. Just taking it day by day and having lots and lots of unplanned completely innocent fun. I'm pretty sure most of friends really like her which is really good because I want everyone in my life to just get along. I had Hibachi food on Friday which was amazing. I actually ate sushi and my toenails are painted bright pink. Embracing the femme side of me I guess. The guy flipped a shrimp in the air and I caught it in my mouth, YES! I Rock. Kelly's mom seems to like me which is awesome because I totally love going out to eat with Kelly and her mom. I don't think they know but I actually like her mom a lot. I can joke around and have a sarcastic attitude and she does it back and thats like my fav thing in the whole world. Didn't really do much else this weekend but finally drink with dre which was wayyyyyyyyyyy overdue. That was soooo fun and I was FUCKED UP. 2 more weeks until school ends and I am not doing so hott in any of my classes. But thats okay because when I look back on this year I realize I met soo many wonderful people and I've changed so much and faced so many fears. Growing is what I wanted to do and is what I did best this entire year. In other news Lynn is really bad and that sucks because I am soo worried about her and I can't help but feel somewhat responsible even though I should know its not my fault at all. I just want to help but she pushes on me so hard, that I can't do anything but get frustrated at myself for even trying. I'm happy where I am and thats all I can ask for because its been so long since I've been happy. I mean every time you meet a new person you find out new things about yourself through that person and with Kelly I find out soo many things that I didn't do with lynn. And when I was with lynn I found out so many things that I didn't do in genral. It's all about changing and discovery and I'm soo proud of myself for being able to accept that because for a long time change was scary. It was this lingering darkness that eluded to everything awful and unknown, and now its this marvelous thing that I seek out. I'm glad because as much as I'm willing to try knew things I know Kelly is too so its not like I'll be moving and she'll be staying in place. Taking things slow but for right now things are very good and thats all I could have hoped for. K Goodnight, oh and one big shout out to JES!!!!! and LIZ!!!! I love you congrats.

Penny for your thoughts

Comfortbly Numb... [27 Apr 2005|01:39pm]
[ mood | blank ]

The funny thing is, I smoke pot less now that things are bad then when they were actually some what ok. I haven't even used any substances to get rid of this terrible agony of pain. I don't know what this means or what that means and I still check. I always check but I shouldn't check it just makes things harder. It sucks cause I still care but comfortbly numb is what I am attempting to be. I can't go on like this hurts, just a note my journal is my journal and I'm going to write about what I write so if you don't want to read it then don't read my journal, because no more holding back. I'm not going to not post for you.

Penny for your thoughts

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